This is why spelling matters

"Jealous of a book to retard?" - Nikki, Twilight fan, defending Rob Pattinson from stench rumours.

Yes, Nikki, we are all jealous. Of a book. To retard. Emoticon.

Just.... ugh.

A drop in the ocean

Glanced at the highlights sidebar on my Facebook feed yesterday, and saw something that made my heart sink:

“Sluts falling down – 2 friends became fans.”

I clicked the 2 friends, having a pretty good idea of who one of them would be. Real names are never revealed here, by the way.

Boris is such a typical homophobic misogynistic footy-head who laughs at webcomic rape jokes and whose favourite pastime is sitting in the window, waiting for a girl in a miniskirt to walk past and announce, “Cunt scarf!” Lukito is Boris’s cunt-scarf watching buddy. So in short I was both disappointed in my friends and disappointed in humanity.

Of course, being the masochist I am I clicked on the group and baulked at the wall posts alone... “Hahaha stupid sluts”, “so funny when bitches fall cunt over feet”, “Hahaha sluts are so much funnier horizontal and in pain”, “Maybe if they didn’t steal taken men they wouldn’t be such sluts!” Being confronted with such raging hatred for women on a social networking site shouldn't have knocked the wind out of me, but it did. Of course I’m being unbelievably generous using correct spelling, grammar and syntax there.

Then I clicked on the photo albums and was shocked to find pictures posted of actual Facebook users by bullying teens who’d tagged their enemies with full names, then written captions like “Kellie Harvard loves sucking humongous horse dick!” or “You know Trish is gonna fall down HARD, fat slut!”

And strangers who had joined the page had added sickening comments of their own, “Needs a cock in the eye”, “She’s hot I’d cream all over her face – she’d have to ask first though!”, “Dirty nasty slut!”

What the fucking fuck is wrong with these dumbshit people? Not only are you mindlessly participating in slut-bashing, not only are you revelling in a thriving frenzied hub of cyber-bullying, not only are you doing so under your own real names rather than the anonymity of cyberspace, you are exposing these girls (and yourselves) to all the predators, freaks, bullies, rapists and misogynistic monsters in the Facebook WORLD by posting their REAL, FULL NAMES AND PICTURES in a fucking GROUP entitled, “[I’m a fan of] Sluts falling down!”

Stupid misogynistic shit like this seems “funny” or “in-jokey” to these kids but they don’t think that any twisted sick fuck who actually DOES think it’s ok/funny/sexy/a power trip for “slutty” young girls to get hurt (the HEIGHT of misogyny) can join, and THOSE SICKOS can access these girls’ information that got posted as a bullying tactic. Am I the only one seeing a train wreck coming?

So I clicked away, hitting the handy little “report” button on every single photo (under Facebook’s terms of service you can’t upload photos that ‘attack an individual or group’), a few of the commenters, and on the page itself.

Today I asked a friend to do the same, and when she searched for the page she replied, “Um... I can’t find it. Well, I found it but it won’t open - it keeps redirecting to Home.”

So I searched, both the hard way and by clicking on Boris and Lukito’s profiles to check their “pages” list.

The group has been banned.

Ha.

Seriously though, that’s just a drop in the ocean of the horrific and often misogynistic cyber-bullying going on via Facebook alone. I sincerely hope the girls whose pictures were posted, tagged and derided via that group will be ok; the body count of desperate teens who kill themselves after relentless bullying ain’t going down.



(top l-r) Holly Grogan, Megan Meier.
(bottom) Chanelle Rae.

It was an ACCIDENT!

Leigh Robinson, 61, who shot his girlfriend in the back of the head after she fled his car and headed for a neighbour's house, says it was an accident and he just wanted to talk to her.

...he was showing her how to use his shotgun before she suddenly ran away from him for no apparent reason.

Why, that's completely plausible! What better place for shooting lessons than one's car in the middle of Frankston? She must have run to make him a sandwich because of all that hard work wielding a firearm (they're HEAVY!), but unfortunately she failed to determine what KIND of sandwich he wanted! Seeing as Robinson had threatened her with a gun a week before, it's clear she wasn't learning her lesson about the sandwiches!

And in a sterling display of the quality of his character, Robinson refers to the murder victim with such endearing and respectful terms:

He chased after her, he said, in an attempt "to talk to the silly bitch".

Hence, when a neighbour opened the door to her cries for help, THAT's when he SHOT HER IN THE HEAD.

Accidentally.

Like how a Justice of the Supreme Court might "accidentally" sentence you to life in prison, scum. Whoops!

And they returned to find their cat on fire

Why is it on soap operas that whenever characters angrily go to somebody's house to confront them, the home owner always walks off in a huff after an exchange of heated words, assuming (I guess) that their enemy will just let themselves out? I mean, it’s kind of weird.

If I’d just gone to somebody’s house, and we’d had a huge fight, and they stormed off leaving me to my devices in their kitchen/hall/living room... well, I don’t know, I guess it’d depend on what the fight was about.

Food Pranksters!

One of my customers - a pretentious braggart we shall call "Redmond" - claims to be a music and TV producer. Or some crap, I don’t know, I wasn’t listening to him. So one time during an after-work drink Redmond announced, “Hey, we could use your restaurant for this great new idea I came up with for a TV show! We take people and give them food they wouldn’t normally eat – and film their reaction when they realise they’ve eaten it!”

This is how I imagined that would play out.

Host: Welcome back to Food Pranksters! So, how are you enjoying your chicken, madam?
Contestant #1: It’s fine, a little salty...
Host: What would you say if I told you THERE ARE PEANUTS IN THE SAUCE!
Contestant #1: I probably wouldn’t say anything, my airways would just close up and I’d go into anaphylactic shock- *collapses*
Host: Hohoho! Gotcha! And you sir, are you enjoying that halal stir-fry?
Contestant #2: It’s nice and spicy, with a great texture!
Host: Uh oh! That might be due to the secret ingredient – shredded pork! Somebody’s getting a smiting from Allah!
Contestant #2: *spit-take*
Host: Hohoho! Yep, that’s why they call us the Food Pranksters!

Me: “Um... Redmond I don’t think that’s a good idea for a show.”

I'll take a stab and say, "The same reasons men do"

Did you know that this thing called “sex” exists and that sometimes women indulge in it? It’s true! I KNOW! It shocked my pants off, let me tell you! But as for the question that will inevitably pop up in your mind as it did mine – WHY? – fortunately there is a very helpful new book penned by professors Cindy Meston and David Buss who doubtlessly have nothing better to do. “Why Women Have Sex” delves into the mystery behind these unthinkable, extraordinary, freak-of-nature occurrences! I know I would spend over AUS$50 on a book that would clear up why I feel these strange tingles below the belt every time I see Colin Farrell!

So profound is this new book that it even made Channel Ten’s Morning News today. Some reasons cited by the women of Meston and Buss's unquestionably broad, reliable sample size?

Why Women Have Sex:
1. “To relieve the boredom – because it’s easier than fighting. It gives me something to do.”
2. “In return for a household chore.”
3. “Because it’s the closest thing to God.”
4. “I slept with a couple of guys because I felt sorry for them.”
5. “Because he bought me a nice dinner.”
6. “I have sex with my boyfriend to make my sexual skills better.”
7. “To relieve a migraine or stress headache.”
8. “With an unattractive man – because low testosterone attracts women by suggesting the man is less likely to cheat.” (WHAT?)
9. College separation: “Life is too short to be waiting four years to have sex again.”

It sounds like the same girl was quoted for all of those. Except #3. And I want to know who exactly #3 is having sex with. And his/her phone number.

What can I say, I'm a spiritual kinda gal.

Dancin' in the summer rain

To the girl in the green shirt, white scarf and black pants running around my uni in the rain with her shoes in her hand jumping in puddles: you're awesome. That's how life should be lived.

Oh those upstart middle-class trollops!

Not that I’m that invested in the royal goings-on, but this “speculation of a royal engagement between Prince William and Kate Middleton” story that’s making the news rounds this evening keeps catching my eye.

Namely because some random self-described Royal Watcher (i.e. professional busybody) is quoted saying: “If they get married, Kate Middleton – Kate Middle-Class – is going to be the queen of England someday.” *significant look*

Nice to know that class bigotry is still alive and well in England today. “Oh my goodness, dahlings, we can’t have a commoner on the throne! A want of good breeding there, to be sure!”

Does it really matter? I know being in the royal family means representing the great empire and carrying on the royal torch and all that jazz, but surely you can be groomed for that kind of thing. And isn’t the English monarchy sort of irrelevant now when it comes to actually running the country?

“Kate Middle-Class”? Oh-ho, I see what you did there! Lady, I would’ve thought that being some upper-class British snob meant you’d at least have good manners. Rude old bint.

I prefer married men sunny-side up, myself.

Hey Fuck Politeness, I hope you don’t watch 9am with David and Kim because today’s hot topic might have made you do a spit-take into your cornflakes.

“Why do single women poach married men?” the hosts wonder. A random survey in the U.S (could there BE a more reliable source of information pertaining to Australian women? I think not!) found that college-aged women (approximately 18-23 years) find married or otherwise unavailable men more attractive than single guys. Those little hussies!

David: “So how does the poor, poor paranoid married woman protect herself from the single women who are going to poach her husband?”

Their special guest expert? “Dating expert” Samantha Brett. (cue FP spit-take!) Her response:

“We can put a lot of blame on the guy – men perv, that’s what they do. I think we should warn our partners that these type of girls are after them, and are specifically after the challenge of chasing married or taken men, nothing more. Talk to your partner, tell him to cut back on the perving a little.”

Could there BE more sound advice? I think not! Assuming your partner is just going to mindlessly fall between another woman’s legs? Check! Portraying men as the victims of “types” of scheming single girls that plan such elaborate traps? Check! Slotting every single woman under the category of “threat”? Check! Pointed refusal to examine the unique dynamics of individual relationships that may lead to cheating behaviour? Check! Making an unrealistic demand of your partner in an attempt to control him that will probably further isolate you from each other? Check!

“Honey, I know you love looking at those sweet young thangs, but you know, they only like you because you’re married! So could you maybe try not looking at any attractive young people ever again? For me? Otherwise I'll POUT."

I certainly know I would respond positively and submissively if my husband made such a request to me! And not looking at people I find attractive whether they be friends, work colleagues, strangers or celebrities is perfectly controllable and would not at all involve sequestering myself from the entire human race! Not to mention when you stop men from PERVING - you magically stop infidelity as well!

Come on Sam, can’t you advise women to say something reasonable and mature instead of, “You looked at that waitress’s butt! She’s young which means she's a slut who likes breaking up marriages! I’m not talking to you!” Why not say:

“Look babe, sometimes I can’t help being annoyed when you perve on other women. And when I perve on attractive younger men I daresay it annoys you. I think we need to acknowledge that we are always going to see or meet other people we’re attracted to. But even if that young Spanish delivery guy with the biceps caught my eye, there’s only one man in the world I want to be with and that’s you. I need the same kind of commitment from you. I have to know that despite the occasional perve, you want to be in a relationship with me.”

(Yeah, ok, I'm not entirely sure of the correct grammatical usage of the word "perv" - does it have an 'e' when used as a verb? Or when used as a noun? I'm confused.)

As an aside, I wonder how many good dates Sam the “dating expert” actually gets. Surely she would be in a some enviable healthy fairytale relationship with a gorgeous guy she snagged with all her dating expertise and such. Does anyone know if practising what she preaches is working out for her?