Now I remember why I hated being a teenager so much

Went for drinks at Cookie with the old work crew, was sitting at one table with Charmaine et al, while the next-door people (none of whom I know, barring Jess) were sitting opposite. I knew the guys were staring at us but I just ignored it, when Jess skirts over and casually asks, “Hey, you’re still single, yeah?”

Me thinking she’s making conversation answers in the affirmative. Suddenly, drink in one hand, other hand clawing my arm, huge grin on her face, she’s trying to drag me out of my seat. “Come sit with us! The guys want to get to know you.”

Charmaine read the look on my face instantly – oh, brother, I just want to have a fucking drink, do you have to be so obvious, not only are they watching your progress now they’re going to know I’m rejecting them, I’m outnumbered and uncomfortable, you're seizing my arm so tightly it hurts, this is so fucking immature, I’m so not interested, I'm too old for this, somebody get me out of here – and valiantly tried to be my defence. “Uh - we're going for a cigarette!”

Alas Jess continues her pulling and insisting until I pry myself away and duck out onto the balcony juggling my cocktail and Leo’s jacket. And lo and behold the entire table follows us. Charmaine literally tried to block the door by sitting in front of it (she cracks me up sometimes) but Jess pointedly asked, “Charmaine can you move?” And one of the staring faces peers outside and asks me if they can join us.

Charmaine’s like, “Jesus, you’re like honey! Everyone’s buzzing after you!” and I’m embarrassed as hell, Jess is still pushy, and I actually take a cigarette just for something to do. Dude, I don't even smoke.

And so begins a game of cat and mouse wherein I cling to Charmaine and Zach for dear life throughout the rest of the night, Jess tries to pry me away, various guys hover around me and I can’t socially circulate as much as I wanted to.

Times like this I miss having a boyfriend shield. I can still pull that ‘sorry, I’m taken’ shit with unwanted advances from strangers, but not so much people that actually know me. I’m sure there will come a time when I will love attention from groups of twenty-one year old guys who want to have a conversation with the contents of my bra, but now? NOT SO MUCH.

So guys, if you want to know what was wrong with that uppity bitch at Cookie last night, here’s a heads up:

1. Straight off the bat your little wingwoman cornered me and embarrassed the shit out of me.
2. There was a big group of you sitting there staring at me. That does not a happy Black Cat make.
3. Neither of you let it up all night, significantly reducing my having a good time.
4. I’m pretty sure if I looked like Magda Szubanski you wouldn’t want to ‘get to know me’ so much. Clearly you wanted something (and don’t we all) and just wanted to know how much it was gonna cost you to get it. Wasn't in the mood to play along.
   

I stopped with the adolescence and the hormones FIVE YEARS AGO, ok? Nowadays I’m more into guys that are at least my age and act it. If you’re interested in me, don’t send your friend over to find out if I want to sit with your friends. Don’t skulk around leering at me while I’m having a conversation with my friends. I respect a guy who takes the risk and goes about it the right way – even if I’m not interested, I will respect that you tried. I won’t respect someone whose entire group of friends harassed me and therefore sent me crashing into a flashback of being an awkward fifteen-year-old who just wanted to go home.

Nothing personal.

Ok, maybe a little.