Four seasons in a day

Me: C'mon Melbourne Weather, it's Spring already. Can't you heat up a little?

Melbourne Weather: Hmm, well I HAVE had enough of being so relentlessly cold and dreary. It's time to shine! Sun is here!

Me: Yay! *packs away winter coats*

Melbourne Weather: *rains, blows, freezes*

Me: NOOOOO IT WAS A TRAP

It's like adding 'in my pants' to everything!

Ha, here’s a fun new way for me to procrastinate! Smith Magazine asked its readers to submit their life stories in a six-word memoir (which are also collected in the book, Not What I was Planning). This is based on the legend that Hemmingway was once challenged to write a story in six words or less. He came up with, “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”

Some of the submissions are witty, some are poignant, most are HILARIOUS.

My boobs used to be perky.
My iMac ate my kid’s homework.
Alone, but not lonely. I lied.

What would my 6-word life look like, I wonder…?

Aspires to superheroism. Alas! No powers.
Tiny body outweighed by big boobs.
Death not so bad. Living overrated.
Writing this when should be working.
Will be asked for ID forever.
Drinks 'til she spews. Good times.
Is cute 'til she punches you.

In August Austenprose caught onto this idea and asked commenters to submit 6-word reviews of Mansfield Park.

Pug. Fanny Price’s Fairy Dogmother.
Did Jane Austen write Mansfield Park?
Poor relative. Ha-ha romance. Maria defects.
Mrs Norris: worse than the cat.

How awesome if I could write essays like this!

Hamlet: Family drama. Everyone dies. The end.
Wuthering Heights: Seriously, what is it with Heathcliff?
Pride and Prejudice: Lizzie, Judgey-Wudgey was a bear.
The Fellowship of the Ring: United but fall. Resistance is futile.
Sherlock Holmes: Detective on crack. It makes sense.
Wuthering Heights: They needed to get out more.

This can be applied to frickin' anything.

Camden needs an 'Idiots Guide to Racism'

What the president of the Camden/Macarthur Residents' Group, Emil Sremchevich, had to say on the group’s hysterical rejection of a proposed rural Muslim school versus their happy support of a planned Catholic school:

"Why is that racist? Why is it discriminatory? It's very simple: people like some things but don't like other things. Some of us like blondes, some of us like brunettes. Some of us like Fords, some of us like Holdens. Why is it xenophobic just because I want to make a choice? If I want to like some people and not like other people, that's the nature of the beast."

Um, Mr. Sremchevich? Are you, I don’t know, drunk or something? If you want to like white people and not like people of colour…

That’s RACIST you head-up-your-arse, threatened-by-anything-not-patriarchal-white-and-middle-class, ridiculous backwater TRASH.

Choosing to support the proposal of one educational facility over another primarily because of their respective religious foundations?

That’s DISCRIMINATION, idiotbox. (And amazingly, brown people can be Catholic too.)

When people like local folk, and hate foreign folk?

That’s XENOPHOBIA. (Oh what in the name of unholy fuck do you mean, 'WHY IS IT XENOPHOBIC IF I WANT TO LIKE SOME PEOPLE AND NOT OTHERS?' Do you even know the definition of this word? Hint: it does not mean 'fear of Xena'.)

Racism, discrimination and xenophobia are rather different playing fields when compared to having a preference for FUCKING Fords or FUCKING Holdens, you unbelievable rancid ass. Guess which one has a centuries-old history of human rights abuse, systematic slavery, genocide, murder, rape, lynchings, torture and hate crimes that still resonate in the fabric of society today and fuels hatred and violence and fear for everyone? But hey, your Play School logic gives me admirable insight into your character and intelligence quotient. With a name like ‘Sremchevich’ you’d think you’d be a little bit more tolerant of Other-ness.

You like some things, and don’t like other things? Oh hey, me too! I, for one, don’t like malicious, ill-educated bigots that spread their hatred around small communities and make me ashamed to be Australian.

Black Cats also get bad luck

Oh, Yarra Trams? Can you guess the reasons as to why I never fail to faithfully purchase a Metcard before boarding your esteemed vessels?

1. In the grand ethical spectrum of Melbourne life, in a very black-and-white sense of the social world, I have come to believe that doing so is both morally right and my civil duty.
2. Negative reinforcement – I am scared shitless of being caught fare-evading, copping a $158 fine or ending up like this kid.
3. Peace of mind – I hate huddling at the back of the tram ready to jump out the window every time I see a group of people in dark coats lurking at the next stop and would much rather be sitting comfortably, ticket in hand, reading a book.
4. Because I want to stand in the icy cold dusk holding twenty kilos worth of groceries waiting for a tram that never arrives, or that will be excruciatingly full once it does, only to be forced to lug my frozen arse the four blocks from the intersection back to my apartment, juggling cartons of milk and chicken kebabs, trying not to drop my copy of A Tale of Two Cities, dodging psycho speeding cars and whipping winds, while my valid Metcard is sitting patiently in my wallet.
   
   

The answer to the above would be 1, 2 and 3. I spent this evening doing option number 4.

Thanks, Yarra Trams! I wish I could fine you $158 every time you screw me over with your late trams and outdated carriages and scary drivers.

I don't think they'll take this up

Dear Cosmo/Every Single Beauty Magazine Ever,

Every month you can expect the same thing on your cover. Arbitrary white stick-insect model/celebrity, repeated ad nauseam.

I want to see more covers featuring Australian women of different (and recognisably different) ethnic backgrounds. Not just once in a while, either. Regularly.

How about a gorgeous Chinese cover-girl next month? Or a beautiful Sudanese woman? Where are the pretty Lebanese girls? And the Indian women? Have we EVER seen an Iranian / Fijian / Japanese / Columbian / Indonesian / Mauritian / Filipino woman gracing your cover page? How about the stunning Aboriginal model Samantha Harris (above), or spunky Video Hits presenter Faustina 'Fuzzy' Agolley (left)? The possibilities are endless! You have acknowledged that Australian women come of all different shapes and sizes, but it seems you are yet to acknowledge that their skin tones can be just as variable.

In this thriving multi-racial country I see billboard after billboard of white, white, white girls, and that's not what I see when I look around me. Though your magazines are (slowly) beginning to recognise women as something other than paper-thin unattainable ideals of beauty, you are yet to adequately represent women who are NOT WHITE. These young girls and women also want to read your magazine. And they are invisible for the majority of the pages within.

Do it for the young Asian/Middle Eastern/African/Latina/Aboriginal teenage girl who loves your magazines but can never find a role model that looks like her.

OMGQUICK what's the number for 911?

I was visiting Dan at his shop today. We were chatting away, when he suddenly gasped and doubled over, clutching the right side of his chest.

Me: Are you ok?!
Dan: Ow, chest pains!
*pause*
Dan: Ah that's better. Felt like I was being stabbed. I think it was my heart!
Me: ...
Dan: What?
Me: Your heart's on the LEFT side of your chest.