Silly, I could've just MADE one for her

I’m doing an old file cull on my computer and I stumbled across a Christmas gift list from 2006. I don’t even remember writing it but I’ve recorded gift ideas for family, my ex, work people…

Underneath my former housemate's name all I’ve written is:

• A noose?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I am so droll.

"I am not guilty. I am innocent."

Security footage from Melbourne's Southern Cross Station taken before Xue abandoned his daughter.

Nai Yin Xue, of the Xue family murder and abandonment notoriety (also known as the ‘Pumpkin’ case here in Oz) says he’s innocent.

Sure you are. That’s why your wife was found naked in the boot of your car strangled with one of your own neckties and why you abandoned your three-year-old daughter at a train station in a completely different country before going into hiding in the U.S, then denying everything once you got caught, deported and made to stand trial. Clearly the actions of an innocent man.

The nerve of you. No amount of jail-time or media haranguing or hate mail will ever make up for the terror and torture you put your wife through, the pain you have caused your daughter that is now her lifetime legacy, the grief of an entire family and friends. You aren’t fit to utter the word ‘innocent’, scum.

Fightbook

Facebook provides me with entertainment in many ways. People fighting in the ‘comments’ section of their friends’ status updates is one of the main ones.

Just a warning, I’ve directly quoted comments (albeit with all names changed to obvious pseudonyms), painful misspellings, grammar/punctuation abuse, and all; there is also swearing and some offensive remarks. Hey, I'm not editing this crap!

Molly Pollywaffle: i dont care i am not paying for your gastric band surgery !!!stop eating have some exercise and go on a diet !!

That’s a status update by the way. Curious as to what the hell she was on about, I clicked to read the responses. That girl was always thin as a stick during high school, and she is not somebody I would consider overweight in any sense, so I caught a whiff of Thin Privilege, if that is the correct term, as well as an instinct she was going to take the self-righteous they’re spending my HARD-EARNED TAXPAYER DOLLARS route.

Debbie Deffington: hahaha, dont complain! trent pays about 40k a year IN TAX! so we pay for 2 people to bludge on the doll. THAT i think is bullshit >:(

Molly Pollywaffle: thats bullshit i mean why cant these ppl go on a diet excerise eat healthy seriously why should Mr. Pollywaffle pay for that

When another friend points out that losing weight easy isn’t for some, that she knows of somebody who needed gastric band surgery as a ‘matter of life and death’, and that Molly shouldn’t ‘think the worst of people’, Molly defends herself:

Molly Pollywaffle: i dont think the worst of ppl i know obese ppl who found it hard to lose wieght but they have done it lost have the wieght just do the hard work

And Debbie Deffington backs her up: i think the worst of those who bludge on the doll, and my hubby and i on our single income pay for them to do nothing… gastic bypass is a last resort, and honestly....nothing worth doing is easy [referring to losing weight]. gastric bypass leaves you with alot of flabby skin that then requires a tummy tuck to get rid of. so molly has a point. it shoudnt be something covered under health cover. it should be paid for fully out of pocket for those who are too slack to get off the couch.

Somebody else chimes in saying these two don’t know all the facts about people undergoing this surgery, including whether or not it is always covered by private health insurance or taxpayer dollars, and whether or not some people can’t lose weight for health reasons.

Molly Pollywaffle: honesty did u see the ppl on the biggest loser some of them were obese they didnt need gastric band surgery !

Debbie Deffington: and you know what - ANYONE is entitled to put their opinion on fabcebook. if you don’t like what you read, close your fucking eyes.

Everyone is entitled to put their opinion on Facebook… but not YOU ya skank, so shut up! Hey Debbie, how about if you don’t like what others are saying back to you, you close YOUR eyes? Apparently it makes the problems magically go away! And I was so waiting for somebody to use The Biggest Loser as an example in that discussion. Oh, you girls kill me.

Edmund VonCrybaby is another good ‘entertainment contact’. When I didn’t know him that well I used to actually be really concerned that he actually had some sort of depressive illness or needed help, until a mutual friend told me he’d been saying this kind of emo crap via MSN since Year Eight (over a decade ago). His status updates/comments etc. are annoying and ignorant, with whiny emo stamped all over them, and he’s often abusive or downright offensive through them, but I can’t bring myself to delete him ‘cos he’s such a hilarious tantrum-throwing attention seeker. It’s like having a troll on your friends list – only you know exactly who they are!

Edmund VonCrybaby: Do i deserve to be alive - All fingers point to NO

Edmund VonCrybaby: [after voting ‘no’ on a Legalize Same-Sex Marriage’ poll]: Its bad enough there are gay people in the world, we need this disease to die. P.s sorry to any gay friend that i have on here. LOL

Edmund VonCrybaby:To all my ex-friends that didnt bother to reply to my emails, you can go and fuck yourselves.

Edmund VonCrybaby: Doesnt care about life and stuff, soon my gf will leave me and her friends will be happy and god will be happy and the world will continue, she will get a much hotter bf just like she always wanted, well congratulations.

> Bertie Wilkins: (@Edmund VonCrybaby): u better be back at christmas woman or else ima send edmund over in a container to come and find u and bring u back

>Edmund VonCrybaby (@Bertie Wilkins): Christmas is soo long away. I will have faded away in the shadows of aloneness by then

Edmund VonCrybaby: Everyone on my friends list can go fuck themselves, you are all pathetic pieces of shit who should be shot for being fuckstains on the floor of your pathetic sad bedrooms you dumb fucks. Eat my dick you homosexual lesbian seamen manipulating little cunts.

Oh God, what a fucking idiot. And I do not manipulate sailors, how dare you? It takes every ounce of willpower I have not to comment on these ‘LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!’ posts. Luckily he has some girl on his friends list Pepper Papadakis who usually says pretty much what I’m thinking.

Pepper Papadakis: suck a fat one

Pepper Papadakis: whatever dropkick

Pepper Papadakis: Ohh seriously shut the fuck up you depressing cunt, for some unknown reason you actually have a girlfriend so stop being a downer before she realizes she can do better

Pepper Papadakis: ♥

[that loveheart thing being her only response to the ‘Everyone on my friends list can go fuck themselves’ post]

HAHAHAHAHA!!! So not deleting you Edmund, even though you’re an insufferable homophobic wanker with some rather painfully obvious issues.

Anyway, you just martyred the guy.

WTF?

Do pro "life" extremists honestly not see their own hypocrisy and evil when GUNNING PEOPLE DOWN? In a fucking CHURCH, no less?

I can't believe Dr. Tiller even continued his work after 1985, after his abortion clinic was bombed. I would never have the courage to continue anything in the face of violence and terrorism and hatred, faceless people threatening my family, after bullets in both arms and angry vigils outside my home. I would have packed up, or given in, or gone insane, or changed my identity entirely. I would never have just kept going. But Tiller did for decades.

I do not see how committing horrific crimes can solve anything or be remotely helpful to any serious cause. For the record, most major pro-life organisations have condemned the murder of Dr. Tiller, rightfully saying that violence, terrorism and murder are quite obviously contrary to their goals of protecting the right to life. Some have done so in a pretty backhanded manner though.

"George Tiller was a mass-murderer. We grieve for him that he did not have time to properly prepare his soul to face God. I am more concerned that the Obama Administration will use Tiller's killing to intimidate pro-lifers into surrendering our most effective rhetoric and actions. Abortion is still murder. And we still must call abortion by its proper name; murder. Those men and women who slaughter the unborn are murderers according to the Law of God. We must continue to expose them in our communities and peacefully protest them at their offices and homes, and yes, even their churches."

Randall Terry of Operation Rescue

What exactly is your "most effective rhetoric and actions" if you are concerned that a cold-blooded murder will compromise them? I am really, really disturbed by that statement. Why, after this heinous highly-publicised crime, would you keep perpetuating hate-filled propaganda and practically excuse the murder of a man with friends and family by basically saying, "Yeah, he's dead, too bad he's going to Hell, but he was a murderer 'yknow, great work guys we must continue to 'expose' these people!"

As for you, Scott Phillip Roeder, you perverse, sadistic, pathetic coward of a human being. You value life then shoot it in the face once it's out of the womb, is that how it works?

Murderer.

F.Y.I, I am Filipino-Australian

Dear everyone who thinks its any of their God-damned business what ethnicity I am:

First of all, it’s not. Any of your damn business, that is. I mean shit, here I am just waiting for the tram/trying to have a conversation with my friend/taking your order/entering my apartment building/studying in the library/ordering a beer, who the hell are you that I have to disclose personal information to satisfy your fascination? I mean, the mere fact that I'm a young woman in public doesn't mean you have a right to get up in my face in the first place, let alone ask intrusive questions.

When you look me up and down and start loudly proclaiming stuff along the lines of, “You soooo do not look Filo!” “You don’t look Asian at all!” you are perfectly entitled to your opinions. Far be it from me to tell people that their perceptions of what so-and-so ethnicities are supposed to look like are right or wrong. I can argue or disagree but I can’t tell you not to have an opinion.

I ask only that you keep this in mind. This is my RACE you are talking about. My mixed race, to be exact. Not a kooky t-shirt, or my hairstyle, or some teapot off Antiques Roadshow – my race. This is an unchangeable, significant and unique part of my identity that is completely removed from you and your preconceptions of race. This is something personal and important to me.

And you think you can just waltz on up and tell me I'm doing it wrong. Usually while HITTING on me. For God's SAKE.

Here’s something else: you are not the first and unfortunately won’t be the last to make these observations about my looks. I have to defend my own racial background to nosy people every day. Oh yes, I do. I have to smile obligingly and nod knowingly every time somebody stares at me like I'm an exotic flower and says, “Wow, you’re different, what are you?” I'm a girl minding her own damn business, what are you?

I have to laugh with them (over and over and fucking over again) when they say (often repeatedly), “But you don’t look Filipino! You don’t even look Asian! You look Italian/ South American /Thai/ Maltese/ Spanish/ Egyptian...”

Yes, you know, I think I get it! I’m biracial! I look a bit different! I’m not quite one race, not quite another! IT’S CRAZY!

When you tell me in what to you is a casual remark that I don’t look how I’m supposed to look, you make me feel like I have somehow failed something. And you are talking about MY RACE.

It’s like going up to random kids and saying, “Oh, is that your mum? You don’t look anything alike! No really, you don’t look like her at all, how funny! Are you sure that’s your mum?”

I mean come on, is that polite? Maybe to your eyes it’s the truth, but you don’t have to go talking shit about the way people look, do you?

You can say what you think I "should" be based on my looks.

Just like I can say for the love of God’s arse you need to shut the hell up, I’m sick of hearing it and you’re being fucking rude.

And no, I don't want to catch up for a drink sometime.

OMG there's an Asian person on Ramsay Street???

Erinsborough residents marvelled as the Token Asian Girl tunnelled into Ramsay Street from China.

Ok, what? Just as I was complaining that there are hardly any people of colour on Australian TV, I tuned in to Neighbours last week for some Godforsaken reason and was introduced to a Miss Sunny Lee, latest arrival to Ramsay Street. I prepared to cringe.

In the brief parts of the episode I watched, this Asian teenager was confidently introducing herself as ‘the new exchange student from Korea’ and saying things like, “Is this how you do things in Australia?”

In a broad Australian accent. I can buy an exchange student who has travelled extensively (and perhaps been taught English in school – perhaps even attended an International School) having a good grasp of English. I don’t buy an international student who has never been to Australia with an obvious Australian accent. Is there an Australia-Town ghetto in Seoul? Maybe there’s some future plot that reveals that Sunny is actually a criminally insane teenage runaway pretending to be an exchange student, but the fact that other characters never question her story or accent seems to quell this theory.

After a bit of web-searching I’ve learned she is played by actress/model Hany Lee Choi. There is no information on this character or Hany Lee Choi on the Neighbours website but there are some active forum threads discussing the new character. There is also a page from that fountain of free knowledge, _Wikepedia. “[Sunny Lee] was created by producer Susan Bower in response to criticism that Neighbours was "too white" ^[1], as Sunny will be Korean.”

There goes that cringe.

What producer Susan Bower had to say on racial diversity on Neighbours: ‘‘I would like it (Neighbours) to reflect Australian society, but I can’t give Libby and Dan a black baby so it has to come in a natural way. I don’t believe in bringing in people for the sake of it. It has to be part of the story and it has to be believable. … I know we’re going to get flak about this gorgeous little Korean girl who’s going to be coming in next year, because you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”

Damn straight you’re going to get flak, Bower, when you can’t even stick to your own principle of introducing characters in a ‘believable’ and ‘natural’ fashion. So, you’ve begrudgingly thrown a token Asian girl into the White mix. Unfortunately you’re obviously not willing to tackle any further issues regarding her race, and so you fail.

Are you so behind the times that you think a pair of slanted eyes and brown skin will confuse your viewers? You think the only plausible way for an Asian chick to be in Melbourne suburbia is for her to be an exchange student (does over a hundred years of Asian migration to Victoria mean NOTHING to you?) yet you can’t be bothered either casting a native Korean actress for the role, or taking the time to research Korean culture/speech/etc. in order to train the current actress. Seriously, an exchange student from Seoul with a clearly Australian accent dressing like she’s in a Dangerfield ad and swanning around speaking perfect English? Weak. How stupid do you think your viewers are?

Why not just write her as an Asian-Australian girl? Plausible and interesting. But then you’d have to hire Asian actors to play her family as well, and that’s tipping the status quo a little too much, isn’t it?

There are a million ways you could have realistically introduced a ‘gorgeous little Korean girl’ onto the cast of Neighbours. Need to conveniently import her from somewhere and dump her into the Kennedy home? Need to justify why she was born in Australia but her Korean parents are nowhere in sight? She’s in foster care. She’s adopted. She ran away from home. She’s from Sydney and won a school scholarship and had nowhere to stay to pursue it. Her parents spend all their time travelling with her singer/actress younger sister. See how easy and non-insulting that is?

There are so many interesting ways to explore race through your medium. Is she homesick? Going through culture shock? How do the younger kids (Callum and Charlie) react to Sunny, presuming they are not exposed to many Asian people in their insulated little world? Do the other teenagers at school sing that racist ‘Chinese Japanese, dirty knees’ taunt that the boys used to sing to my Korean best friend in school? How about having her get angry when Paul Robinson or someone conflates her ethnicity with ‘Chinese’?

Or is it all too hard? You’ve thrown those loudmouthed critics a bone; I suppose you’ll want to leave it at that. Just over your ears and yell, “You’re still not happy with the pretty Korean doll? I told you – damned if you do and damned if you don’t! LALALALA I CAN’T HEAR YOU ANYMORE!” like everyone else.

Tokenism.

PS: *facepalm* Why, oh WHY did I read the rest of the comments in that “‘Perfect blend’ to colour casting” article? Are you feeling threatened by the fact that Australian TV might not cater exclusively to you in future, opinionated- white- folks- who- throw- hysterical- screaming- tantrums- at- the- slightest- hint- that- somebody- somewhere- out- there- might- or- might- not- have- just- called- you- racist?

Backwards In High Heels

To all those who argue that it is perfectly plausible for kick-ass superheroines (or women in similar professions that require stealth, athleticism, martial arts prowess or basic coordination, such as sexy-ninja-assassins!) to be wearing high heels during work hours: I give you the prison break scene from Watchmen.

Next to the opening montage set to “The Times, They Are a-Changin’”, this is my favourite part of the film – seeing Silk Spectre II carve her way through rioting convicts to bust Rorsharch out of prison with Nite Owl II. This sexed-up film translation of Silk Spectre II calmly and efficiently roundhouse kicks, dodges, spins, punches and karate chops these hardened felons and doesn’t even seem to break her stride. Finally she's in action!

Awesome (if a little stiff), isn’t she? About as close to a real life Black Canary as we can get. And look, Silk Spectre II wears spiked fetish boots and garters and no pants and can still kick considerable choreographed arse!

WAIT.

Where did her stiletto heels go during the actual kicking-people-in-the-head bits?

WATCH IT AGAIN.

The high heels are gone! Inexplicably replaced with sensible FLAT heels during the stunts! Fascinating. Certainly seems to suggest that even basic stilted martial arts choreography is hard to perform while wearing sexy spiky heels, doesn’t it? Stiletto heels - specifically designed to place the wearer off balance - would seem to impede one's ability to perform spinning kicking combinations, no?

See, this is my basic rule when it comes to superhero costumes (particularly martial artist type superheroes):

Excluding garishness / colours / capes / symbols / animal motifs / throwbacks-to-superhero-parents etc., would the costume function properly if you wanted to go jogging?

If you answered no to this question, than I daresay it is a very stupid costume indeed. Who the living hell goes jogging in heels?

I don’t get why the costume department didn’t just design Silk Spectre’s costume with flat boots in the first place and keep it at that. Is it so important for the character to be in stilettos, even if it clashes with continuity once she actually performs fight sequences in flats?

There are more female vigilantes/crime fighters/superheroes who appear to sacrifice basic comfort and balance for sexy sexiness than you can poke a stick at. Many, many more. And as Malin Akerman up there demonstrates, not even months of training and working out can counteract the devastating effects ridiculous high heels have upon one's ability to be completely and utterly kickass.

***

Further references for stupid non-functional superheroine costumes:

Rose/Thorn: A split-personality-disordered streetfighter who is quite cool but seems to think basic protection from the elements – let alone protection from bullets/knives/blunt weapons/bare hands – is completely unnecessary. Also wears thigh-high stiletto boots and proudly displays her g-banger throughout an entire issue of Birds of Prey, curtesy of Ed Benes.

Would you wear that to a MMA match?

Rachel Summers: Sure, Marvel Girl is a telepath/telekinetic who can harness the Phoenix Force, hence she doesn’t rely solely on her physical prowess, but that is no excuse to be wearing a miniskirt the size of an elastic band. I presume she needs to walk, run or sit down at some stage.

Nice knickers, Starchilde.

Black Canary looks great in heels – but stabbing factor aside, this martial arts master needs footwear that will aid her in her quest to put some serious whammy on thugs and the like, not clip-cloppy balance-disrupters of doom.

Yeah, she might make it look easy but that shit gets old fast in high heels. Not to mention it could be permanently crippling. S'why Dinah's ditched them for stompy army-style boots.

I'm not too keen on Elektra’s peekaboo red loincloth either, but that’s for another day. At least she wasn’t tottering around in high heels, though.